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Sprachenlernen beim Privatlehrer

für Kinder, Anfänger und Fortgeschrittene (Beta)

Excuse

Angry teacher: "Why are you so late?"

Lazy pupil: "Well, I saw the sign in the street that said 'School - ahead - go slow'!"

At travel

Little Mary was on a train with her mother when suddenly she started to whisper in her mother's ear.

"Mary," said her mother sharply, "how many times have I told you it's impolite to whisper. If you've got anything to say, say it out loud."

"All right," said Mary, "why has that man got such big ears?"

Physics

What did the candle say to other candle?

"Are you going out tonight?"

Marriage

Were your parents married before you were born?

Half.

Half?

Yes, my father was married, my mother was not.

Proverb

Jim: "Keep your dog away from me!"

Bibi: "Don't you know the proverb 'A barking dog never bites'?"

Jim: "Yes, but does your dog know the proverb?"

Informatics

A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'

In the rain

"Benny, what are you doing out there in the rain?"

"Getting wet!"

At the hotel

Woman: "Give me my bill for my hotel room, please."

Receptionist: "Here is your bill, madam."

Woman: "And call me a taxi."

Receptionist: "Very well. You are a taxi."

Clustered position

Index and table are reading a book "index-sutra"

Table: Oh, baby tonight we can try a clustered position"

Index: "yeah baby, we can also try covered position"

Table: "or maybe multiple clustered position"

Index: "baby, yes, that’s the one. i’m just gonna call my friends"

Pool

Susan: "There isn't any water in your swimming-pool."

John: "I know. I can't swim."

Writing

Susan: "Do you write with your left hand or your right hand?"

Mary: "My right hand. What about you?"

Susan: "I usually use a pen."

Databases

It is March 1st and the first day of DBMS school.

The teacher starts off with a role call...

Teacher: Oracle?

"Present sir"

Teacher: DB2?

"Present sir"

Teacher: SQL Server?

"Present sir"

Teacher: MySQL?

[Silence]

Teacher: MySQL?

[Silence]

Teacher: Where the hell is MySQL

[In rushes MySQL, unshaven, hair a mess]

Teacher: Where have you been MySQL

"Sorry sir I thought it was February 31st"

Smoking

"I thought you weren't going to smoke any more."

"I'm not."

"But you're smoking as much as ever."

"Well, that's not more, is it?"

At home

"Dad, where are the Himalayas?"

"Ask your mother. She puts everything away."

School report

Teacher: "Now, Benny, what did your father say about your school report?"

Benny: "Shall I leave out the swearwords?"

Teacher: "Of course!"

Benny: "Well then, he didn't say anything."

At the beach

Mary: "I saw ten people under one small umbrella on the beach. But they didn't get wet."

John: "Why not?"

Mary: "It wasn't raining!."

Birthday

"What did you get for your birthday?"

"I got a trumpet, and it's the best present I ever got..."

"Why?"

"My Dad gives me 5 € a week not to blow it!"

Shopping

Man in the clothes shop: "Can I try that blue suit in the window?"

Manager: "No, Sir, you'll have to use the changing room like everyone else."

Money

"Who is your favourite author, Bill?"

"My father."

"What does he write?"

"Cheques."

Black eye

Teacher: "Johnny, who gave you that black eye?"

Johnny: "Nobody gave it to me. I had to fight for it."